The Mandatory Birthday Post

Tomorrow is my birthday. Whew! I will have another year under my belt that I have to deny to the public.

Birthdays seem to haunt you in such a way that you will be compelled to reflect on the complexities of life. Me? Well, my upcoming birthday triggers many stray thoughts in my head right now. That is the reason why I have to get this out of the way. These thoughts are distracting me so much that I cannot think properly. I have to write this down now so I can finally work on the rest of my articles. I want to empty my mind of the thoughts that do not in any way relate to my work.

This year certainly brought forth many changes in my life. Until now, I still feel overwhelmed about all the blessings that came my way. I am now swamped with more work than I could possibly handle. Aside from the set of articles that I have to write for Ventura Consultancy, I now have an editorial job in my hands. Oh no, I am not complaining. In fact, I see it as a sign that there are more good things to come.

Oh yes.. I sure as hell got my break at the Ventura Consultancy. I am very fortunate to get a decent writing stint that pays well as compared to other companies. I am fortunate to come across a very considerate boss who can understand my limits. I am VERY fortunate because I was given the chance to improve my skills.

Now, I can confidently say that I am a better writer than I was a few weeks ago. The guidelines my boss gave me are quite rigid. I initially had a hard time following it. Until now, I still have to remind myself to check the guidelines from time to time to make sure I am doing things right.

Now, I can also say with so much conviction that I am fully satisfied with my job. It’s the reason why I am finally waving goodbye to the freelance jobs I used to take. I like the privilege of being able to work in the comfort of my home. I like the privilege of having a steady source of income. I like the privilege of being given the chance to hone my skills. Most of all, I definitely enjoy the privilege of having a boss who inspires me work so hard. I enjoy the fact that despite my shortcomings, he trusts me and my skills. That even if I’m having a hard time meeting the deadlines, he understands. It is quite rare to find an employer who takes the time to listen to his employee. And I have one.

My upcoming birthday is reminding me how lucky I am for the blessings that I am experiencing now because of my boss. It is nudging me to try harder, give more effort.. to give it all that I’ve got. Oh and I’m ready. I know that right now, I am still adjusting to the demands of this job. But I also know I will improve. There’s nowhere else to go but forward. However tiny my steps are, I know I’ll get there.

So happy birthday to me. And I hope that I can have a healthy body that can keep up with the job. I hope to have a healthy mind that can work fast. I hope that by the end of this year, the boyfriend and I can finally get our own place so I can finally work without any distractions that will slow me down (household chores, errands, etc..). Oh, and a laptop that does not beg for mercy, and an Internet connection that does not cough up some speed won’t hurt too.

Soul Hate (via Bosh Thoughts)

Do you get that feeling sometimes? You meet someone and you know right then and there you will never like that person, ever. There’s not much of an introduction yet, but you feel it in your gut that you really couldn’t care less if you get a name or not. You are strangers to each other but you have this instant pinch from your subconscious the minute you come face to face – you repel him/her and there’s not a single reason yet why you’re doing so … Read More

via Bosh Thoughts

Social Stigma (via Bosh Thoughts)

I like this entry so much that I decided to reblog it.

Props to Ma’am Chikay, one of our EPH editors for a very outstanding entry!

aylaaaaveeht!

I had an online conversation with this old, old friend of mine. The topic was about people around us pretending to accept a couple of "modern" issues when they really still feel awkward about them and that they do not really understand. There won't be any specifics as to what the issues we pinpointed were, but these relate to us. Most would like to come out and just live normally among the regular people. While we casually unfold and disclose the … Read More

via Bosh Thoughts

a feeble attempt at hilarity

Ever since the dawn of the new age (a.k.a. internet), I have been a silent witness to the birth, death and rebirth of a lot of blogs. I read about friendships that had been broken by betrayals, love that came and went, moments of despair that seemed to last forever, and bouts of anger with the same potency as poison.

Since the day I acquired my incurable addiction to the internet, I have discovered and revisited blogs that I have come to like a lot not only for their entertainment value but also for their great content. I have read and re-read very profound entries written by great authors like Chinito, the bitch queen, and Imperfect. I have also endured massive headaches from dismally written entries which could induce a lot of head scratching because they had been written as if the author downed a gallon of vodka before he/she poured his/her guts all over the internet.

Indeed, my days of blogging and blog hopping has opened my eyes to a multiple facets of reality I would never have seen through my own eyes. It also shed some light with regards to the different reasons why people blog. Before you go further, I would like to warn you that the parts that follow this has a lot of cussing and offensive words that may not suit your taste. If you are averse to reading french, or if you have a very weak stomach, I’d rather you go ahead to this place where you can say hello to the butterflies and itsy-bitsy spiders. Otherwise, please proceed. And may I suggest that you read all the italicized text with feelings for an added effect that will make you feel the essence of this entry.

Top Five Reasons Why People Blog

5. Blogging is the best excuse for people to exercise their authority.
A lot of people blog because they want to show their expertise over a subject. When you blog, it is understood that you have had prior experience about the topic you are writing about. It is an invitation for other people to seek out advice from you because you know about the subject so well, you can discuss it without batting an eye. If it helps, your friends are there to further build you up.

After having 30 relationships (most of which lasted for a whole night), I can say that I know everything there is to know about love. I’ve been there, I’ve done that (yes, including anal) and if you want great advice (and great blowjob tips) you can always turn to me. I’m gonna help you find the perfect man (I’m gonna turn you into a slut).

4. It is a very bright, well-crafted excuse for ego maniacs (like me) to let other people know how good they are in English.
Blogging is the perfect way to let other people know that you know every God-forsaken English word in the fucking dictionary. It is the perfect device that could speak for itself, and so fluently may I say.

I cannot believe he disregarded my advice even if he knew how detrimental that very vile act is to their relationship. He should have listened to me but no, he chose to ignore me and I feel so disrespected / violated / awful / miserable / offended / insert your next word here. If you can’t come up with 5 words then I’m probably smarter than you are. But I know that already right? Why the bloody hell do you think I waste my time on such a mundane thing as blogging? So come on, tell me I’m smart. I like that!

3. It is a valid excuse for people to show-off their very awful grammar.
A lot of people blog for the sheer joy of showing off their awful grammar. It doesn’t matter if their readers have to suffer a severe case of nose bleeding as long as they can express themselves.. badly. Oh, and they have a ready-made excuse for the bad case of lapse in their grammar:

Friend: OMG! You said it wrong! It’s supposed to be “in the event that” not “in events of”.
Blogger: That’s poetic license duh! I can’t believe you are not know that.
Friend: …

2. It is a valid excuse for people to show how rich they are.
There are two approaches to be discussed in this area. The first is the tormented but privileged kid, and second is the rich kid who has every fucking shit in the fucking universe and who has travelled to every fucking continent.

Tormented kid:
My family and I went to Europe again. I didn’t enjoy the trip because I felt so miserable and out-of-place. And I want to die now so please do me a favour and just shoot me so I won’t have to go through the trouble of writing this pathetic blog entry. Which reminds me by the way that I have hired someone to write for me and now he’s nowhere to be found. Again I feel so miserable. I don’t have any friends because I’m so rich. Gawd, please shoot me now!!!

Trigger-Happy and Rich kid:
Oh-my-gosh! My mom bought me a new iPad to replace that one that I lost yesterday. I have the coolest mom ever! Now I can use my iPad while I listen to my iPod, while waiting for my Mac to finish downloading all those stuff I bought online with my credit card. And I’m telling you this because I secretly want to be called iRich.

1. It is an opportunity for people to rave/rant about their love life.
Again, there are two ways to approach this matter. Most of the time, the rave is followed up by a rant after a couple of days — or sometimes, in the space of an hour.

rave:
I have the best boyfriend in the world. I really feel like I don’t deserve him because I’m butt ugly and I know he’s probably cheating on me now with that horse-faced bitch who has very big boobs but I don’t care! I don’t care to if I have to pay for all of our dates and he asks money from me because I am so happy every time he hugs me. I bet you’re all jealous. You should be.

rant:
I hate him! I hate him so much! I wish I never met him cause he is a scum! I can’t believe he chose that horse-faced bitch with boobs as big as melons over me! I hate hiiiiiiiim! (repeat ten times)

Now, I have to admit I have been guilty of some of the stuff I listed here — especially that part which talks about soliciting some ego-stroking. But most of the time, I write because I want emotional release. Blogging/Writing gives you a sense of euphoria that cannot be compared to anything — heck, not even love or sex. Being able to master your emotions with the help of words and being able to connect to people in every level is a rare gift that I would like very much to achieve. It’s a state I would like to reach someday. Which is why I am thankful for the many people who shamelessly stroke my ego, or kiss my ass. I’m thankful for the comments and suggestions. Most of all, I am thankful for the fact that whatever my reason is, whether to shamelessly broadcast how great things are going with regards to my career or love life, or just when I feel like fishing for compliments, you have taken the time to listen to my voice and thoughts. Seriously though, I really like it when you ego-stroke my shameless ass. It feels soooooo good.

oh, the demons in my head..

I often wish I am the kind of person who doesn’t think too much– the kind of person who just needs to bat her eyelashes all day. Not that I hate being smart. I actually enjoy it and its side benefits. A great part of my confidence comes from the fact that I know I am so smart and that if I wanted to, I can outwit and manipulate the people around me. I like the fact that I tend to always be receptive (intellectually, I cannot speak for my emotional side because my emotions are unstable) and I understand things many people can’t. I like the fact that I can remember lots of things like a simple trivia I came across with, to every single book I’ve read, and researches I have done. I like the fact that I get really fired up when I am discussing something with someone and I get giddy from lots of thoughts I am eager to say. I like being smart. I just hate the part where I can’t stop my brain from leaping from one thought to another, and on to another. I hate the fact that even as I walk the streets, or do something as simple as taking a bath, my brain functions overtime. I hate the fact that I often have sleepless solitudes because I can’t stop thinking of something or someone.

I believe the power to think is a great blessing to humanity, as it makes us superior amongst God’s creation. But I also think it’s a curse — at least for me. My brain’s too hyper! Mostly, hyper in a very bad way. I’m haunted by the demons in my head. I’m haunted by the complications I manage to come up with when I think.

Yes
..I am what you can say a very complicated person. I’m too much addicted to complicating things. And somehow, I’ve managed to conveniently practice complication in my everyday routines. When asked a question, I couldn’t just answer yes or no. I take my time and think.. then I launch into a very long explanation about why I think it’s a yes or no. Many times, I give answers which are too cryptic that I would be forced to explain myself again, cause I am misunderstood. Many times, I give very complicated answers to very simple, or even no-brainer questions. I can’t help it.. I guess.

The same goes when I am the one asking questions. I am never satisfied with a yes or a no. I like hearing the why, and the how. I like asking a lot of questions. I ask and ask until I feel I am already satisfied. The problem though is that I never get satisfied. The person I am talking to gets tired of the hot seat. He either changes the subject, or expresses in very creative ways that he’s tired of my questions. That part, I have to admit, is very funny.

I think too much. It’s my blessing and curse.. and my disease. I suffer for it in the very same way i revel in it. And quite frankly, I can’t weigh between the pros and cons of too much thinking. Sure, it’s great that I can analyze stuff. But really, it could be such a nuisance specially when you’re not aware you’re over-analyzing something or someone already. And most of the time, it’s too late when you notice you’re doing it already — the harm has already been done, and feelings have already been hurt.. my relationships have already taken the blow.

I like to think — but not too much. If I can, thinking is the very basic biological process I’d like so much to turn on and off by will. Because sometimes, it’s better not to over-analyse things. It’s better to just let go and wing it. And I definitely want to do a lot more winging than thinking I want a less complicated life than what I’m trying to make out of it. so help me God.

Conversations

Every time we’re together and we’re talking, I feel as if I could spend an eternity looking at your eyes. You see, I like it when we talk. I know a lot of people think talking doesn’t really do much for a relationship, but I beg to digress. I’ve only genuinely liked people I could talk to.. really talk to — the people who could wow me with their intellectual depth and their fluency in expressing their thoughts and feelings.

We always talk. It’s not even a big stretch to say the great part of our three months had been spent on talking. I know.. it’s somewhat a dispassionate, asexual, and a really boring attempt to connect and have some sense of intimacy. But it helped a lot didn’t it? As we have comfortably assumed our partner roles when we have met for the first time in person. As it still does as we continue to play our roles in this relationship. Sure, we see each other now, though not as often as we really wanted to.. we now enjoy the benefits of each other’s tangibility, as we move on to the more physical aspect of our relationship.. but still, we talk.

I still remember the very first time i heard your voice. It was new year, and I was so nervous I could hardly breathe, much more speak. You really did sound so confident then, as you still do until now. The conversation was short, given that all we could hear were the loud blasts and explosions very common to new years. From then on, we started to talk — every night.

You started to get to know me, as I loved telling you anything I could think of.. I did most of the talking, and you take charge of listening, and very patiently may I say. And as if a quick study, you started to know the difference between my clipped, pissed off tones and my cheerful, contented sigh. Even without seeing me, you knew when I was sad, or angry, or happy. You started to distinguish the different stages of my silence. You could even tell when I’m already sleepy, though I often try my best to pretend I’m not.

..it’s funny and ironic how when we’re together and we’re talking, we experience this weird role reversal. Cliché as it sounds, when we talk and you look at me, I get lost in the pools of your brown eyes. I end up being the listener, as you talk animatedly, and I stare at you in awe. I’ve always felt contented just looking at you, as I, with full of detail and cherish etch your face and sound in my memory — the twinkle or brooding of your eyes, the charm and playfulness of your smiles, the thin line of your frowns, and the musical sound of your laughter. I notice how you like to frown and look at something when you’re concentrating or when you’re playing with the cigarette smoke that escapes your lips, how you try to sound so nonchalant when we’re talking about something which I feel doesn’t make you comfortable, and how smoky your eyes get when you sometimes just stare at me and say nothing at all.

What I like most about us being able to talk, is how eerily intimate we’ve become as we seem to think and understand each other’s thoughts without saying something out loud. When we weirdly end up having the same ideas, thoughts or conclusions when you or I am conversing with someone. When you or I start sporting that look and only you and I could decipher it just the same. When you look at me and wait for me to smile or look back in acknowledgement.. and when we secretly smile over a silly joke only both of us could understand, a joke which could induce a great head scratching from those who could hear.

Every time we’re together and we’re talking, I feel as if I could spend an eternity looking at your eyes and listening to the sound of your voice. We never seem to run out of things to talk about. We seem to have so much to say to each other. But at the end of the day, when we have to go to bed and stop talking, I suddenly realize that in fact, I did tell you nothing of everything of what’s crying within me.. but then again, there’s tomorrow right?

Fire and Ice

bourne in fire and ice,
satan in heels under angel guises.
sinister sisters challenging fate,
partners in crime, love and hate.

bourne in fire and ice,
damsels of discretion, twisted truths and lies.
consummate, cold-blooded queens of pain,
spiritless adepts with black hearts and brains.

bourne in fire and ice,
a link getting stronger each time we roll the dice.
masters of a very deadly game,
owning vicious hearts only tough men can claim.

bourne in fire and ice,
risk it with us and your heart becomes the price.
each time you strike,
our payback is twice.

cause we’re bourne in fire and ice.